AAS #003: Forgive and Forget?

Do these 2 "F"s go together?

To me, they don't.

I forgive, but why should I forget? Some might argue that it is impossible to forgive when you don't forget. If we remember it, it means that we have not let it go. Is this really true?

Let's look at this from the other viewpoint. If we forget, does it always mean we forgive? Some people try to throw that bit of the most painful memories to the end of the world. Either through means of another relationship or through work or simply destroying all things that reminds them of the bitter times and etc. Is it really workable? Will he/she erase that part of their memories completely? Even if he/she does, it doesn't mean that he/she has forgiven all the damages done to him/her.

If relationships are called matters of the "heart", why are we using our "brain" to resolve what came from the heart? Shouldn't we tackle the root of the problem? As a Chinese saying goes, " Jie ling hai xu xi ling ren" (The best person who can untie the bell is the one who tied it in the first place). It only goes to show that only when our heart has forgiven the person, then are we able to let the matter go. Which brings us back to my main point. We forgive at heart, but we do not need to forget.

Why should we forget anyway? Of course, Aunt Aggie strongly discourages aimlessly harping on these tramautic experiences and holding onto unappreciative partners. But when we forgive, we already release ourselves from such unneccessary emotional torture.

All memories are precious to us as learning lessons in life. Good memories bring us joy and laughter. Even up till this day. So what use are of bad memories then? Yes! Correct! As useful learning experiences in life. Notice that the more times a toddler falls in his/her attempts to learn to walk, the faster he/she picks it up? We learn best from our own mistakes.

This applies to relationships too. Its part and parcel of building a strong foundation. Although sometimes you heard people say that they feel like they've known their partners for an entire lifetime, it doesn't happen 99% of the time. Not even your parents know you for an entire lifetime. We go through difference phases in life. Family took a large part of our life as a child, then we slowly proceeded to friends and confidates as we started schooling and then came our life partners and working colleagues, for the majority of us. Since he/she wasn't there for the previous part of your life, how can you expect that he/she knows your entire thoughts and feelings and your relationship to be smooth sailing and without differences at all?

What matters most is how you deal with these conflicts and differences. Ask yourself, why are we arguing over this same thing again? Is it because he/she repeats the "mistake" (at least in your eyes it is a mistake) because he/she can't change for you or is it you who can't accept that*? (*That : the fact that he/she can't change or the mistake.)

If so, and its affecting the relationship so much, perhaps the two of you need to reconsider continuing? Of course, if you two can compromise and solve it together and not let it be a problem anymore, then congrats! You've succeeded in bringing the relationship to another level!

So, make every "wrong" in a relationship a constant reminder not to repeat mistakes that will hurt the one you love. And treasure all moments that you have with each other.